Ringing in the New Year

Well, this post is about two months late, but at the time our story takes place, internet was scarce and spending time on it was definitely not a priority.  And so, with the magic of the snow falling outside my window, let us go back to yesteryear.  Specifically, December 2012.

Joey and I went to Israel this winter on Birthright, a wonderful program that allows any Jewish person between the ages of 18 and 26 who has not done so yet to spend ten days touring Israel with other people their age.  Joey had never been to Israel before, and when I visited with Leo Baeck Temple several years ago, there was nobody my age, but there was a six-month-old Eliana Lee Chasen and several grandparents.  Lucky for me, Birthright decided I should have the experience of travelling with my peers, and so, on December 18th, Joey and I landed together in Tel Aviv to begin our Israeli adventure.

Birthright does a great job of making sure you visit "mandatory Israel", as our friend, Gili, who lives outside Tel Aviv, calls the sites that you really can't leave Israel without seeing.  They took us up Masada, down to the Dead Sea, through Jerusalem to the Western Wall, into the nightlife of Tel Aviv, all the things that would be on any respectable "Israel Must-Do" checklist.  There was one thing, however, that Joey and I had on our personal to-do list while we were there, and that was to purchase our wedding rings.


Before my parents got married, my highly academic father did a lot of research into the hows and whys of Jewish marriage customs.  Of course, as I have studied these same rituals, both academically and personally, I have learned very different things than he did.  This has led him to the new conclusion that, despite everyone being absolutely certain in their understanding of Jewish marriage law, nobody's certainties align quite right.  One such matter is that of the rings.  According to my father, a Jewish wedding band must be a simple circle of pure gold.  No diamonds, no breaks.  This to support the initial object of the wedding ring.  That is, for the groom to give an amount of money to the bride that she
keeps for herself in case of emergency.  Should her husband mistreat her and she need to leave him, she has at least something to live on.  In order that the value of the ring be indisputable, it must be made of solid gold (a consistently standardized value) with no stones or adornments, the added value of which could be quibbled over.  In this system, the bride is actually not allowed to give a ring to the groom, as that would negate the value of the ring he just gave her.


Now, I've seen Orthodox rabbi's wives with diamonds in the band, and just about every groom these days wears a wedding ring, so who knows.  And, in fact, traditionally traditonally, (we're talking Anatevka here), the whole village would share a big, elaborate ring that was used just for the ceremony, then passed on to the next couple to wed and the married people wore no signifying jewelry.

Joey and I decided we wanted the simple gold bands quite a while ago.  Since there's nothing visually spectacular about that, we decided to take advantage of the ability to really get them anywhere we wanted.  When shopping for my engagement ring, Joey had very particular things in mind, either that he wanted or that he didn't want, and there were a lot more factors at play, particularly with the stone.  So he shopped around and ultimately, with the help of a good friend, found the ring he wanted in a jewelry shop in Omaha.  For my engagement ring, the specialness and the beauty and the care are evident when you look at it.  For the wedding rings, there would be no way visually to tell them from just about any other simple gold ring, so we wanted their special qualities to come from their making.

While we were in Israel, we asked two of our Israeli guides, Rami and Adi, to give us the name of a good jeweler in Jerusalem, Joey's and my collective favorite city in Israel.  We asked them to help us find someone with a good neshama, a good soul.  This is a little bit of my California hippy heritage coming into play, and many of you have heard me discuss this concept in relation to food, but I believe that the quality and emotions of the person making something (rings, bread pudding) absolutely come through in the finished product.  I think that a simple ring made by a good man carries different qualities than an identical ring made by a greedy, dishonest man.  Joey is perhaps not quite so invested in this strange branch of my personal theology, but he was willing enough to accept it, especially when both Rami and Adi came back to us, independently, with the same name: Meltzer.

The Meltzer shop is just far enough off Ben Yehuda Street, the remarkably touristy area of shops, to be a different type of place entirely.  Gone are the "Special discount for Birthright!" signs and large, brightly-lit displays.  Meltzer's shop has a quiet sign out front and about 100 square feet of space inside.  I walked in and asked the man at the counter "Are you Mr. Meltzer?"  "Yes," he responded, pointing around to the other men in the shop.  "I'm Meltzer, and he's Meltzer, and he's Meltzer.  We are all Meltzers!"  I explained, nervously, why we were there and he pulled out a few trays of rings to show us, none of which quite seemed right.  We said as much, and he pulled a big bag of rings from the back and dumped them out on the display case.  This was definitely not the luxury boutique experience.  We spent quite some time discussing style, finish, thickness, and size, before we left.  Who knew "simple gold band" could be so complicated?  He had to make them special for us, and, being unable to really see the exact rings we wanted fitting on our hands, I was very nervous about what we'd think when we picked them up the next day.  One of the Mr. Meltzers told me I shouldn't be so worried, "it's only marriage."  Joey laughed at his joke.  I did not.

On the last day of 2012 we travelled back to Jerusalem to pick up our rings.  We went to Meltzer's shop, tried them on, and they were perfect.  Exactly what we wanted.  We had our simple gold bands, made by a good man, from a place that was really special and meaningful to us both.  They may not stop anyone on the street with their elaborate beauty, but that's not what they're for.  They're for us to remember what is special and important and meaningful for us.

They Sat in the Sun

Tonight we finally got in touch with Ken Chasen, who we are planning to have as our official officiant at our wedding.  We discussed the date issue briefly with him, just to see where his feelings are on it being on a Saturday versus a Sunday (see previous blog footnote for more details).

Basically, his feeling is that it should not be during Shabbat, but waiting till sundown on a Saturday is difficult, as that means the wedding would start around 9pm, which is ridiculous.  Furthermore, we have Shabbat services at a fixed time (at least Rabbi Chasen's and my shared congregation does) rather than expecting everyone to show up precisely at sundown each week.  So, as far as Rabbi Chasen is concerned, the wedding could be on a Saturday evening before sundown, so long as it's clearly "evening" and not afternoon or midday.  6pm is generally considered evening, even if the three stars that officially designate Jewish nighttime are not out.  3pm is not.  Of course, if the wedding were to be held on a Sunday, we'd be able to go for any time we wanted.

Later this evening, my dad called with his thoughts on the matter.  He stressed to me several times that he will support whichever choice I make and most of the people who I love and who love me will make it work no matter what, but there are some points that he would like me to consider, and so I am considering them.  In fact, they were mostly points that I was considering anyway, but opinions are helpful.  So, here they are:

1. Even if we decide with Rabbi Chasen that 6pm on a Saturday is evening enough, and we hang three stars in the chuppah* and have a Havdallah** service before the wedding starts (which I was considering), there are some who would really be stretching their religious beliefs by going along with it.  This is true.  Just because I decide to invoke my favorite Hannah Senesh quote*** and call it "close enough" does not mean that I can ask everyone to do the same.  This is a wonderful point.  However, as I pointed out to my father, I think it only affects approximately 1-3 people on the guest list.  This does not make it a moot point.  As it turns out, those 1-3 are some of Joey's and my closest friends.  At any rate, it is worth considering, though certainly not an insurmountable obstacle.  
2. Things are cheaper and more available on Sunday.  Just like getting married in the off-season, getting married on an off-day means that we will be competing against fewer people for any given venue/caterer/florist/cat juggler.  This could be a lovely stress reducer, as we will then theoretically be more able to get what we want and also not pay through the nose for it.  Well, maybe at least get it down to one nostril.  Bonus: Flying on a Saturday/Monday is cheaper than flying on a Friday/Sunday.  You're welcome, out-of-towners.  
3. There's a lot of pre-wedding stuff that people will want/need to be at.  If we get married on a Saturday and want to have a rehearsal dinner or a family gathering or any other type of event the day or days before the wedding, people will most likely have to miss work all day Friday, instead of just a half day or none at all if they can get a late flight.  And listen, how often do I get to see all my family and friends at once?  I know I'll want to have at least one smaller gathering of folk before the big day.  
4. Weddings are fun!  We will want to stay and enjoy ourselves for as long as possible.  At some point, however, say midnight, most people have to cut things off, no matter how much fun they're having.  If the wedding starts at 6pm, that gives us 6 hours for ceremony and reception, closer to 3 or 4 for most people.  That may be plenty, but wouldn't you rather have the option of partying and hanging out and talking for longer if you were having a good time?  If we plan this thing right, we could get married in the afternoon and then spend the rest of the day and night celebrating with those we love.  I know 6 hours sounds like a lot, but think back to the last time you and I just met up for a quick chat, or I paused on my way somewhere to say hi to you.  Even if we didn't sit down, we were probably there for an hour.  If the party dies down around 8, that's fine.  I'll be glad everyone had a good time and enjoy a relaxing evening with my new husband.  If, on the other hand, people want to stick around for hours and hours, I want to let them!  

That may have been it.  Dad, if you figured out how to read this, and I forgot anything, I apologize.  Feel free to admonish me in the comments.  At any rate, the long-story-short version is that Sunday is probably better for all involved than Saturday.  Thoughts?

p.s.  Did anyone besides me think this title was clever?

*Jewish wedding canopy

**Jewish ceremony of separation, usually between the sabbath and the rest of the week, but in this case also between single and married life.  

***"There are stars whose radiance is visible on Earth though they have long been extinct. There are people whose brilliance continues to light the world even though they are no longer among the living. These lights are particularly bright when the night is dark. They light the way for humankind.”  (this is particularly handy when Yom Kippur services end before sundown and the break-fast buffet is calling your name)

Timing

This afternoon, Joey, his mother, and I were at a Barnes and Noble/Starbucks and we started talking wedding dates.  Oy, so many issues!

1.  Joey is in med school.  This means that, in order for him to be fully present and involved at the wedding and not checking his watch every five minutes, sneaking flash cards under the table at the reception, we cannot get married during the school year over the next year and a half (after which he'll be in grad school, so timing is less crucial), or during the few months leading up to his boards next summer.  You know, that lovely springtime region when everyone loves to get married?

2.  All three of our collective siblings will be in college (hopefully) at the time of the wedding.  This means that we have to be sensitive to finals and other school-related commitments.  This is not to say that our siblings value spring break or sports events over our weddings, it just means that it would be unkind of us to put them in a difficult position of having to back out of a commitment for us.

3.  The wedding is one day.  The anniversary is every year for the rest of our lives.  I don't want to celebrate my anniversary every year in sweatpants because we got married in the dead of winter and I have too much California in my blood to tolerate a nice dress when it's under 70 degrees out, even if it is my anniversary.  This means that we can't get married during the winter.  Besides, Joey's people mostly come from snow and it would break my heart if they got snowed out (snowed in?) and couldn't make it to the wedding.

Long story short, we have a lot of different pieces that we need to fit together.  Hopefully tomorrow we will get the word from the inimitable Ken Chasen about what day of the week it will need to be*, and then we can start looking at which dates look good to us based on that.



Edit:  Joey complained that there was no food in here, so I will point out that, while I enjoyed my return to the Starbucks green tea frapp, I think that Jamba Juice makes better sourdough asiago pretzels.  Also, Joey is a sweetheart for getting a sourdough asiago pretzel just because he knew I would like it.




*Originally, Jewish tradition said that first-time brides should marry on Wednesday, and widows remarrying should get married on Thursday.  Later, they moved first-time brides to Friday, so that their family and friends could stay for Shabbat on Friday night/Saturday morning.  More recently, the custom is for everyone to marry on Tuesday.  The reason for this comes from the creation story in the Torah.  The pattern of creation is "On the nth day, God made this thing, and then he said it was good."  On the third day (Tuesday, if Saturday is the day on which he rested, the sabbath), God said it was good twice.  This makes Tuesday extra good, and therefore a good day on which to get married.  More recently, we just want to get married on weekends because it is most convenient.  Some rabbis, particularly more conservative and orthodox, say you can't get married on a Saturday because each joyous occasion (which Shabbat counts as) needs to be celebrated separately.  Reform rabbis are a little more flexible, but apparently my parents got married on a Sunday, so we figure we ought to at least ask.